i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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