I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
