I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
