Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize