I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize