I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
