ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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