i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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