Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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