True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize