I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
