We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
