Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
