I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
