I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
