I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
