Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
