Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
