Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
we made out on top of his cat.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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