Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize