I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
