Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
