Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think I am morally bankrupt
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize