It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
