I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
