Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
