in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
