I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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