we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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