Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
