I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
