So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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