my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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