This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize