I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think my moral compass just broke
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
