My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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