I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
