Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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