forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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