I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
