My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
