just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
