Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
