god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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