But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
