Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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