I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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