so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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