I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
organizing the empties. That sober.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
