i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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