saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Drunk is a universal language darling
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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