The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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