hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
