Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
