I'm gonna have a badass scar
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize