I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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