You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
