I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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