I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
