He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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