My Higher Power is John Stamos
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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