if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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