I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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